I have missed a couple of weeks, and I take full responsibility. I have been busy but I also have not made time for others, through sharing my devotions on this blog, though I have been doing them, at least.
Humility was a hard week for me to process... I began to realize that a friend of mine and I were drifting apart. After the senior class retreat at my school, when she had hoped we would grow closer, instead, she rarely spoke to me. I was extremely hurt, and a bit angry with her, and I did not know how to react to the situation. Over the next few days, we sent each other some very harsh texts about each other's faults, though I did not believe I was in the wrong. When I read that Monday's devotion, it said to be willing to accept criticism. Even if I had not done anything wrong, it was important to be humble in the situation. Next, on thatTuesday, it spoke of God's disciplines that were a love for us, and would help us grow. If we do not "understand the painful realities that [we will] need to endure for [our] call," then we will not grow. If we settle for less, then we will not "experience life's greatest meaning and thrill." I would much rather have pain than regret.
On another note, the call to be a leader is to be humble in the moment of insult or disrespect, and to suffer so that the group may grow. A worldly leader is controlling and hurts the team in order to protect their own rights and ideas. By serving, freedom is spread to the whole of the group. In addition a leader must guide the rest in the right direction, even if it causes them to be hated, persecuted, and isolated. We must be willing to die so that others may ultimately live. It reminds me of the film, End of the Spear. A group of 5 young missionaries to the natives of Ecuador are met at first with ambivilence, as they share the gospel. However, not much time later, they are killed brutally by the natives, but through this tragedy, their wives and children reach out to the villagers to spread the love of christ, and are recieved. Five men died to save a whole village, but in the eyes of God, he gained many children in heaven that day. It is a horrible story to watch, but it shows exactly how we should live, with our own risk as a daily possibility.
With the week devoted to sacrifice, I learned a few more things about my own struggles, and had been also experiencing the incredible feeling of service, after reaching out to the homeless and cleaning up an elementary school. With so much to do, however, I had also felt as if I had no time at all, and was exceedingly overwhelmed. I interpreted this week as, having not only to sacrifice some of the things i personally wanted to do, but sacrifice the control over how I accomplished my tasks; that not myself, but God, would provide the means for me to do what I needed to do. Not only was this a challenge, but soon people began praising me for my "good works", and I had to avoid taking the glory for my actions. That Wednesday's devotion said to be centered on others and laugh at your own mistakes. With the personality of charisma that you may develop, people will praise you and call you to lead them, but you must leave the "fanfare" and come back when you will not be the center of focus. Lastly, when serving, I must never believe that anyone or anything is below me, because no matter how bad, Christ suffered more. Like we talked about on retreat, I must always keep my eyes on him.
The week, focusing on Loyalty and Commitment was extrememly difficult. Not only did I get caught up in myself, but I had to define some boundaries with how much self pity I would exersize for a past event that had hurt me badly and defined my person. I am now going through both some extreme changes and an identity crisis. I visited my best friend who lives over 1000 miles away, and I had a moment to escape from the pain, and from life. Or so I thought. I am now at a point where I find myself wishing I could relive the last week over and over. I am not committed to God, only to myself, and my own selfish desires. Monday's devotion said that commitment is expressed not through words, but through actions. I need to break free from this vicious cycle of cleaning up my life, only to dirty it once again. I need stability in myself and God, not looking for it in people or things. Tuesday really hit me because it said that my real identity is found in christ. I have been struggling with who I am.
Passion is a difficult topic, because I do not know the real definition in this case. Is it detication to God? A zeal for life? The daily scripture of monday was about believers and their imperfections, but our move toward God and heaven by leaving our past behind. God transforms us. It was hard to think about what my deepest meaning and longing was. My passions are always changing because I don't know where to start looking. I like some things, but soon I lose interest; so what am I really meant for? One move toward this however, is step toward fearlessness, as talked about on Tuesday. A complete trust in God's will for my life, even if I don't know what it is yet. I need to trust him when I manage my life, physically, mentally, and socially, and to accept my flaws on the outside in order to do things for Him, without insecurity. I have noticed that I often use others for attention, confirmation that I am talented, beautiful, and unique. However, when you hear something too often, you stop believing it. I cannot always depend on this, especially when for it to work, I begin to need a "stronger dose". Instead, I should push through the pain of self hatred and toward my real purpose in Christ.
I not only WANT, but NEED to have a purpose. Without it, life can become unbearable.
When I take charge of the hurt and get up out of this mindset, I can work toward living for God, rather than myself, and only behaving in a way to benefit myself and others.
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